Continuing Bonds: Redefining Grief and Maintaining Connection

March 2025

Grief is a landscape of complex emotions, often marked by feelings of loss, sadness, and longing. For many years, traditional grief models emphasized the need to “let go” and sever ties with the deceased to move forward. However, a more contemporary and compassionate understanding of grief has emerged, centered on the concept of “continuing bonds.”

What are Continuing Bonds?

The continuing bonds theory, developed by Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman, challenges the notion that healthy grieving requires complete detachment. Instead, it recognizes that maintaining a connection with the deceased can be a healthy and adaptive way to cope with loss.

This connection isn’t about clinging to the past or denying the reality of death. It’s about finding ways to integrate the deceased into your ongoing life, honoring their memory, and preserving a sense of relationship. This can manifest in various ways, including:

• Internal Conversations: Talking to the deceased in your mind, seeking their guidance, or sharing your experiences.

• Remembering and Storytelling: Sharing stories about the deceased, looking at photos, and celebrating their life.

• Rituals and Symbols: Creating rituals to honor their memory, visiting their grave, or displaying meaningful objects.

• Carrying on Their Legacy: Engaging in activities or pursuing passions that were important to the deceased.

• Feeling Their Presence: Experiencing a sense of their presence in your life, whether through dreams, intuitions, or a general feeling of connection.

Why Continuing Bonds are Important:

• Normalizes Grief: It acknowledges that grief is a fluid and ongoing process, not a linear progression with a defined endpoint.

• Provides Comfort and Support: Maintaining a connection can offer comfort, solace, and a sense of continued support.

• Facilitates Meaning-Making: It allows individuals to integrate the loss into their life narrative and find meaning in their ongoing relationship with the deceased.

• Promotes Resilience: It demonstrates that grief can coexist with continued growth and well-being.

Challenging Misconceptions:

Some people worry that maintaining continuing bonds will hinder their ability to move forward. However, research suggests that this is not the case. Healthy continuing bonds can actually facilitate adaptation and resilience.

It’s important to remember that there is no “right” way to grieve. The way you maintain your connection with the deceased is unique to you and your relationship with them.

Practical Applications:

• Therapy and Counseling: Therapists can help clients explore and develop healthy continuing bonds that align with their individual needs.

• Support Groups: Sharing stories and experiences with others who understand the concept of continuing bonds can be incredibly validating.

• Personal Practices: Individuals can create their own personal rituals and practices to honor their loved ones and maintain a sense of connection.

Moving Forward:

Continuing bonds theory offers a compassionate and empowering framework for understanding grief. It recognizes that love and connection transcend physical death, and that maintaining a sense of relationship with the deceased can be a healthy and meaningful part of the grieving process.

By embracing continuing bonds, we can redefine grief as a journey of ongoing