Contemplating Change

January 2022

Change requires an incredibly courageous step into the unknown. It requires relinquishing control and moving through the stages of change to reach acceptance and health. This is easier said than done and takes time. One of the first steps is identifying what purpose the habit/addiction/issue/thing (maladaptive coping mechanism) we are holding onto serves and therefore what emotional needs it is meeting. Only then can we begin to find healthy ways to meet those needs and heal.

What is the Function?

Very often, when we have things we would like to change we find ourselves in life circumstances that leave us feeling like we’ve lost control. Maybe there’s been trauma or a loss, or maybe issues at work or school, or a lack of connection with our true identity. Maladaptive coping mechanisms swoop in at these vulnerable times, offering a lifeline in the form of a sense of power and control, a numbing of painful emotions, something to feel accomplished about….a savior that can ultimately end up creating devastation and complication.

Stages of Change

Moving beyond resistance and denial to contemplation and action feels impossible when we are grappling with maladaptive coping mechanisms that are in full swing. Many people arrive at the precipice of change at the urging of family and friends without the slightest idea themselves of why they are there or why they really need to change. The stages of change put a timeline to this process, and it is possible to envision when one might arrive at identifying and challenging the purpose the maladaptive coping mechanisms serve.

Pre-contemplation: In this stage we tend to be resistant to change. We are trying to change for others rather than ourselves. We may feel hopeless.

Contemplation: We recognize there’s a problem (and perhaps now are aware of the purpose the maladaptive coping mechanisms serve) and begin to anticipate an imminent change.

Preparation: We sometimes experience ambivalence in this stage as we prepare for change but still aren’t 100% convinced it’s a good idea.

Action: Time and energy are committed. Behaviors begin to change. 

Maintenance: Continued action is required to maintain a change. It is a fluid process with frequent adjustments.

Letting Go

Those of us grappling with the need for change often truly believe that the maladaptive coping mechanisms we struggle with bring value to our lives. They likely have shown merit at some point, in the form of the purpose they serve in our lives. For example, someone who has experienced life in an alcoholic home may now feel in control for once….amid all that chaos, a maladaptive coping mechanism created a way for the person to feel competent, in control, and superior. In this case, the maladaptive coping mechanism creates control where there was chaos and a false sense of self-esteem where there was self-hate and uncertainty. It becomes difficult to build a case against the maladaptive coping mechanism when it has brought some semblance of order to the person’s life. Change begins when the person recognizes the purpose served and can accept that what once felt like control has now become out of control and is not sustainable. An article by Emily Troscianko (2010) poignantly states: “Somewhere along this road….You may come to see that exerting control is simply no longer what’s required of you.” Letting go catalyzes action, and action leads to change. 

Troscianko, E. (2010). Why Control Won’t Bring You Happiness. Psychology Today, www.psychologytoday.com